Thursday, August 22, 2013

16 Elul: Be


This is the day that the Lord made; we shall exult and rejoice thereon. 

Let your eyes look forward, and let your eyelids look straight ahead of you 

This post is one of the #blogElul writing prompts by Ima on the Bima

To be or not to be...

Am I ever fully in the moment?  When I am writing these posts, it is probably one of the few times I ever feel like I am full immersed in a single moment.  Every moment of my day, I am cooking, wondering how much I'll have to clean up later.  Cleaning up wondering how much more I have to do. Keeping my son from climbing furniture to prevent uncertain pains and falls.  I watch my son put together his puzzles, and I wonder if I should send my son to a pre-school.

Worrying.  Planning.  Thinking.  Over thinking.

Even today, when I was returning a dress to the store, the sales lady and the manager were both trying to tell me their policy (which they hadn't mentioned to me when I bought the dress).  I was angry.  I was straightforward when I told them, that if they didn't take the return, I would never shop there again.  They gave me the return.

But now I feel guilty.  Was I rude?  Was I just direct?  I'm not sure, because at the time, I knew I felt angry, I  was thinking that I was about to lose seventy dollars (I really made a mistake on that dress), and I thought I was about to be stuck with a dress that I didn't want.

Had I been fully present, I wouldn't have this feeling of guilt (or maybe I would) because I would remember details in fully clarity.

But as I type, I am fully present.  I feel my fingers touching the keys.  I hear them clicking away.  I am typing what comes into my mind and I'm only focused on this one task.

When I raced mountain bike, I was also fully present.  In mountain biking, if you are not present, you are going over the handlebars.  The presence I experienced with mountain biking was a bit more mindless (does that make sense?).  I was focused on the trail, but in the best of rides, I wasn't feeling or thinking.  Just doing.

I think being in the moment with my son should be different.  I should be taking in all the details and feelings.

I was working on some decorations for our Sukkah.  I noticed how impatient I was feeling.  I was putting each piece together, and painstakingly pulling apart the layers of plastic and it was just taking so long.  I thought, "no wonder I don't do crafts".  It isn't instant.  And maybe that's a good thing.  I thought to myself, "this will force me to practice patience".  My son would take the finished pieces and at first I thought that I didn't want him to destroy them, but then as I watched him line them up in a perfectly straight line, I just appreciated that moment.

I have been putting together a bit of a plan for the New Year (future post).  I want to do a craft a month and I am going to start a drawing journal.  My goal was to work on my creativity, but I think the bonus will be they will also help me be more present and work on patience.


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